The Evolution of a Name

Just before school started for Bella this fall I wrote her name on a cardboard box and she copied it. I thought to myself; "My kid is amazing!".

Then school started and she began learning letters. "I" became a stick with a hat and shoes. When asked to write her name she did: "I". A little Zorroesque if you ask me. Three strokes quick as lightning.
(They're at the wrong side of the line there, hard to see, sorry)

Since then she has been learning more and more letters and her name continues to evolve. (The 's' are usually backwards and being a leftie she starts at the right and goes to the left most often).
I wonder how long it will be before she can write the whole thing perfectly.

Intrinsic or Extrinsic

One thing I find about being a stay at home mom is that it is seriously easy to be lazy. It's a bit of a paradox really: the comparison of self with others and the weight of expectations put upon the SAHM shoulders is not balanced but rather almost erased by the belief that we need to put ourselves first, take care of our needs so we can take care of others and that everything on our plate is nearly impossible so really, let a few things slide, for sanity's sake.

At the bus stop last week another mom of small children told me I could show up in my underwear and she would still be impressed that I managed to get to the bus stop on time. And the weird thing is, that is tempting. Not necessarily to show up in my underwear but to believe that people wont judge me if I do show up that way simply because I showed up and that in itself is a feat. To let myself not judge me for how I show up, to be glad simply that I did.

Husbands who work just as hard as we do are constantly reminded to encourage and support, that the job of a SAHM is so all encompassing. To come home and not ask; "what did you do all day?". But my suspicion is that many of them stew and harbor negative feelings that their shirts aren't ironed or they should let their wives sleep on Saturday mornings as a way of saying thank you.

I've often wondered why I don't feel the same push to be 'successful' at my current job the way I did when working in an office or even cleaning other people's homes. In discussion a phrase was introduced to my vocabulary: intrinsic motivation. Defined by Wikipedia intrinsic motivation: "comes from rewards inherent to a task or activity itself -the enjoyment of a puzzle or the love of playing." and it is in opposition to extrinsic motivation: "coming from outside the performer, ie money, coercion, threat of punishment."

In this discussion I came to the conclusion that being a people pleaser I am definitely not intrinsically motivated. Lose some weight? Why, no one expects me to be wearing skinny jeans. Get my house white glove clean? Why, everyone knows and understands and appreciates that it will be messed up again the moment it is clean. Learn a new skill? Why, I'm much too busy teaching little people new skills.

A friend of mine who is much wiser than she gives herself credit for was having this conversation with me and off handedly said; as Christians shouldn't we ultimately be trying to please God? If only she knew how deep she was.

I find it mind blowing that I love to do things for other people and yet find it so hard to do things for the most important people in my life. That I tend to groan about washing a floor or am known to say; 'I can't do it ALL, give me a break!" (when it ALL would consist of emptying the dishwasher and running a vaccuum over the carpet).

So maybe I'm not extrinsically motivated, but rather intrinsically motivated and in truth I don't do things because I just don't want to. I think that's a hump to get over.

W is for Walt

I find that a lot of people start talking about mid winter trips this time of year. There seems to be an inevitable group of people who will begin to share the anticipation of their trek to Florida or California as soon as the first snowflakes flutter. We are not taking such a trip this year, but one day we will.

I think maybe I've shared my dream family vacation before but I've been thinking about it a lot as I get to know some families who regularly make the drive down to Florida. The families I know don't go to experience DisneyWorld but that's what I think of whenever someone says they're headed that direction.

I am so stoked that in the year 2017 we will be taking an all-out-vacation-to-end-all-family-vacations. You must be thinking I'm crazy to be excited about a trip that is 8 years away, but I am. When I go shopping and am holding something awesome in my hand I stop and think, 'Do I want this more than DisneyWorld?' and often the answer is no. So back on the shelf it goes.

I've already started planning the basic itinerary. Christmas morning the kids will wake up and rush downstairs to find the bottom of the tree empty. And when they burst into our room to weep and wail and gnash their teeth at the injustice of it all they'll find us sitting on a pile of luggage, grinning ear to ear. And we'll tell them we're heading to DisneyWorld and they'll catch our excitement. Each day will feature a different child with a me and mom date in the morning and a me and dad date in the afternoon while everyone else just hangs out. Dinners at restaurants featuring menus that that particular child will want one of everything off of. Evenings renting movies in our hotel room, or going to shows, or something as a family. We'll stay in some ridiculously over-priced theme suite on New Year's Eve and catch the fireworks and really feel like 2018 will be a magical year for us. We'll fall asleep feeling like princes and princesses in our castle and wake up ready to make the best of every day and every moment of the coming year.

It's going to be awesome. I can't wait to see how it unfolds once we put details into dreams.

What's your dream vacation?

Introducing Nolan James Franks

I sort of fell off the face of the blogging planet with Nolan's arrival. I think part of the reason for my lack of desire to blog was a feeling of responsibility to stick to blogging etiquette and announce the arrival or our newest member with their birth story. Since this particular story begins with me passing out simply thinking about getting an IV, (yes I literally blacked out while waiting to be hooked up to the pitocin) and ends with my OB literally up to her elbows in me scrapping pieces of flesh off my uterus, I didn't exactly make finding time to share that story a priority. ;)

One thing this particular birth experience created for me was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for doctors who care. Our family doctor has ALS and his disease had progressed to the point that he could no longer deliver babies. When he shared the news with us I joked that he could still deliver our baby as he missed the arrival of both Brooklyn and Kathryn by mere moments so it would just be our usual routine. It began as a joke but by the end of my delivery experience I truly wished he could have been there. The OB I was referred to didn't show up to deliver Nolan although she was paged 3 times. Instead she chose to look at real estate. The second thing Nolan's birth created for me was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for labour and delivery nurses! Mine were the best. One of them attends our church and just happened to be taking a break from overseas work and the other is my twin, apparently. These ladies got me through the roughest four hours of my life, and did so with smiles on their faces even though they were stressed out.

I find it hard to believe that Nolan has already been here five months, but at the same time I forget how old he is. Being that he is significantly bigger than the girls I think of him as older. I keep on trying to sit him up for pictures and he has to flop over before I remember he's not that capable yet.

A lot of people ask me what gender differences I'm noticing and the answer so far is none. Well, it's a lot harder to keep him full. He's already on solid foods and he eats a lot, but not often, he also likes to sleep. He eats breakfast, lunch, dinner and before bed at 7. And he already sleeps 12 hours a night. Such a blessing.

Nolan has brought so much laughter to our lives. We are generally a happy bunch. We get comments about how happy our kids are regularly, but Nolan laughs out loud. He giggles at his sisters. His eyes twinkle. He is truly the perfect punctuation on the sentence of our family. I am so excited to see his personality emerge as he moves on from infancy.

Identity Crisis

"What is man that you are mindful of him
and the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:4

So often when I read the above verse I read with cynical and sarcastic undertones. It just makes sense to me that the Bible, a story full of God's awesomeness, would point out the folly in humanity saying 'check me out!'. But as I spend time gazing upon the face of God I have come to hear it differently. I picture in my mind some surfer dude who just caught the sickest wave, completely soaked in water and wonder of the Creator of that water waxing poetic: 'WHAT IS MAN?"

It causes me to pause for a moment and consider that I am made in His image. He took an itsy bitsy bit of what He is and fashioned me out of it. Little nuggets of everything that makes God so awe-inspiring and He put that in each one of us. How cool is that?

I will confess that I am a somewhat insecure person. I do struggle with believing that I am worthy, that I am a self to esteem. But thinking of it in light of the knowledge that God created me in His image I have to see that it's not just a monkey on my back, it is something that grieves the heart of my Creator. I struggle to see how worthy I am because I don't fully comprehend how awesome He is. To truly know myself I have to first deeply know Him, what an amazing purpose- to spend my life learning who He is and who I am in Him.

I often get caught up in the 'me' bits of life. What has God called me to do? What is 'unique' and 'masterpiece' about me? What part of the body am I? It has dawned upon me that this is a pretty selfish perspective. I should be searching for God's agenda and how I can aid it, not how I can be me, but how He can use me.

With our family now completely the way we always dreamed it would be I find myself in an identity crisis. If I'm not an incubator, who am I? I am in awe that I find myself wondering these things and that God had already laid out the answers for me before I asked the question.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?
That you hear me, when I call.
Is it true that you are thinking of me?
How you love me, it's amazing!"
-Israel Houghton-

Preface

I find myself in a mental whirlwind these days. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and challenging friendships, in the throes of amazing and life altering studies, bombarded with the sheer awesomeness of the people I share my home with. So many thoughts to ponder, so many things to apply, so much to nurture and grow within mine own self. I haven't been around these bloggy parts much in the last five months, but am hoping a return here will enable me to at least plant the seeds my brain and heart want to plant so I can come back and reflect, remember and remark as often as I need.

One lesson I am currently learning is the power of structure, and a lesson I am re-learning is the freedom in discipline. So I am going to become a disciplined blogger and I am doing it for the benefits for myself. A lot of what is on my heart and mind is who I am as a Christian and I want everyone to know anything I share is not a judgement or a soap box, but is me thinking out loud through what I'm thinking through. There will be times when I need to shake myself a bit and I hope my words never come across otherwise.

So, if you're still there dear readers (Hi Elizabeth!), get ready to enjoy this blog again! I'll be here Monday to Friday with little nuggets of myself to share! I'm really looking forward to reconnecting, it has been far too long!

I'm full.

Full heart

Full hands

Full days

Full nights

With all the fullness, I haven't figured out where to put blogging. But I'll be back as soon as I find a space for it!

A Tag because I Lag

The third trimester is winning around here, (that's right folks 9 days until I'm due, so like 21 days until the baby gets here, jk). And my blog has been a-sufferin. Luckily Jenn saw fit to tag me today!

The purpose of the tag is to list five reasons why I like being a Mom. I'm currently working on Katy's First Year scrapbook and since I'm accessing her pictures on a daily basis, she will be our pictoral example of my Five.


1. You get to dress your kids up in costumes like this, for the express purpose of taking pictures. And no one thinks you're insane.
2. Watching little people explore, learn, test and create is amazing. I have been blown away by how uniquely each of our daughters do those things. It also helps me recapture the wonder of all that is around me.

3. Food. "It was all the kids would eat." is the best excuse EVER to consistently have fresh baking in the house, to have breakfast for dinner and to eat frozen pizza every meal for a week when life gets hectic. (Not that I do those things on a regular basis.....)
4. I get to play. I am 5'2 which makes me about the size of a sixth grader. ;) But I can actually fit in the slide structures at places like Chuck E. Cheese and Kidsport. Inevitably one of my children will be unable to navigate part of the tunnel maze and I must go rescue them! I like that I get to play, and again no one thinks I'm insane.....as long as the children are with me.....at least they wont tell me to my face that they think I'm insane.
5. Being completely changed by such small people is really cool too. In the beginning of being a mom I got all caught up in trying to teach my kids. Life is so much better now that I let them teach me.

I tag Amanda ; Erin and Jill !

Scrapinition

Saturday is National Scrapbooking Day and I am celebrating by taking the day off and going away to scrap. So while I'm preparing what to take, you get to see inside my head.....Confessions of a Scrapbooking Mind. Today's post is my reflections on a devotional I read this week that actually had to do with scrapbooking, loosely of course.

"Picture this, years of photographic debris littered hither and yon; some photos crammed in drawers, taped on mirrors, stacked on desks, magnetized to the refrigerator, stuffed in shoe boxes, propped against window frames, crinkled up in purses, pressed in old books, mixed in with the bills...This is indicative of how for years I have handled our family's pictorial history".

I'll confess, this actually makes me cringe. There is something about a picture that has to be treasured, well most of them. I've always had a central location for my pictures, even before I was a scrapbooker, a box that I could go to and retrieve any moment that I had snapped. That of course was before we went digital, when I actually made people pose and didn't just snap away. But the last phrase she uses, 'pictorial history', really hits home for me. This is the way people will know our stories, but pictures aren't enough there has to be some documentation to go along with it. I don't want folks to flip through and think, 'Oh that looks like a nice sunny day.'; I want them to know why there is a picture of that day in the first place!

"I've always meant to organize, alphabetize, and categorize these frames of life, but I'm not naturally organizational, alphabetical or categorical. In fact, I'm more eclectic in my approach to life. Some might say I'm a willy-nilly, helter-skelter, or if-you-can-find-it-you-can-have-it kind of person. Now don't get me wrong; I like a tidy environment. Just don't open a door or drawer without taking some precautions. But if you do pry open a drawer, would you mind seeing if you could find the three rolls of film I misplaced from our family vacation, summer 1992? I know they are here somewhere. "

Enter the digital age. I snap a lot of pictures. It keeps me outside longer than 10 minutes while the kids are amusing themselves. But don't even get me started on Nick's clicking fingers! He actually stood in centerfield of Rogers Center and took a picture of the empty seats, then turned two degrees and took another, and again, and again until he had shot all 360 degrees of the stands! We've been digital since January 2005 and have over 10,000 pictures. (And no, we don't do it professionally at all!). I sat down a while ago and organized all our digital images with the help of some great software. But then we got a computer virus. Luckily all our photos were saved onto an external drive, but they didn't save in order. I'm back to the drawing board, re-organizing all 10,000 with new pictures added daily!

"I also know I need to get a grip on our photos. So I took the following action. First I conducted a pictorial roundup. All floaters were brought into the living room and placed inside Les's grandfather's trunk that presides in front of our couch. This activity actually took weeks, as we rooted around retrieving wayward pictures from strange and unusual locations (medicine cabinet, toolbox, clothes dryer). "

Enter the deceptively good thing about the digital age; I know where all my pictures are. One central location- my hard drive. They aren't cluttered or being destroyed, but when was the last time I printed one?

"Once the majority had been packed into the trunk, I purchased albums of all sizes. Then I sat down in front of the mountainous heap, and in a brief time became overwhelmed with this wide-load project. I couldn't figure out how to separate them into categories. Should it be years, events, houses, individuals, vacations, celebrations, crises or all of the above?"

I love my photo organizing software. I get to put a single picture in several different locations, one photo can be stored in a folder for an event and by each person in it. Then I can search and have all those pictures magically pulled out of the folders and at my disposal. Ahhhhhh. But I am a slave to chronology and often forget about the gems of pictures I have of certain events and picking pictures out of the millions becomes my headache. I still want to include every picture, but there are just too many, and inevitably as soon as I finish a page I'll find THAT picture, the one I wanted to center the whole page around to begin with....

"This brings me to my next dilemma: How does one toss out a picture without guilt? A person's likeness is so personal it seems like a violation to discard them. After all, what if those individuals have rejection issues?"

I giggled outloud at myself when I read this paragraph. I'm an anti-pack-rat and tend to throw things out before really thinking it through. That's only a picture of Brooklyn's toes in those cute sandals, toss it. Only to wish I had it back the next day. Not all pictures have to be of faces, right? Sigh, I guess there will really be millions of photos on my hard drive when I pass on.

"Gradually I'm making progress with the development of our albums and have in courageous moments thrown out a few strangers. I've even parted with a myriad of duplicates. "

The key word here seems to be 'gradually'. I wish I was more up-to-date on my scrapbooks. I often feel like they're missing out on journalistic integrity and becoming glorified photo albums. But this slave to chronology will continue to slave away! Isabella has an album of her first year, and Katy's is almost done as well. Somehow I skipped over Brooklyn so I'll have to go back and remedy that ASAP. I think that when all the kids are in school I'm going to adopt a monastic lifestyle for the hours of 9-3. I will sit in peace surrounded by my photos, sipping hot tea and recalling memories of days gone by. Or maybe not. The best part of scrapbooking is that it's a hobby that will last a lifetime, (or more).

Excerpts from 'Say Cheese' by Patsy Clairmont